Three More Days

Today is Thursday of our overwhelmingly long "vacation." No, not vacation, mission. "Mission" is a much better word for this trip. It has been anything but a vacation.  We fly to the States on Sunday, very early. Today is day 11 with the children. Justin likens the chaos to a mathematical formula with an exponential factor, 4 factorial. That is 1x2x3x4= 24. When you take one child out of the picture the emotional chaos = 6, only two children you have a hardship of 2 so on. In my mind, I can see placid calm at 2 months. "2 months Crystal, 2 months...." I can hang on through the initial blustery storms.

Saturday and Sunday we had a very good couple of days. Bonding was going well and there were many happy moments coupled with moments of sadness and grief, along with henpecks among the children. Things were on the upside though. Every day we were getting less fighting among the children. Monday morning we allowed the children to contact their foster families. Everything took a steep downhill from there for 24 hours. Monday night all the children had packed their bags and were ready to take the first bus back to their villages. In the morning things were still not good. The kids were acting out significantly and were out of control. Ivan ran across the busy street out of rebellion of the hold hands rules. The streets here are very busy and a little chaotic so that sort of rebellion is very scary. Justin's emotional stamina was tapped. But he reached out for help from the social workers. They came and spent the afternoon with us, talked through the grieving with the children and things settled back down.

Yesterday we had a good day, although Ivan was definitely calling for negative attention through being a very pesky little brother and not listening to us. He says, "No Engliske" when we try to talk to him. He knows more English than any of the children. Justin has a hard time with this and is in need of a break emotionally from the kids, but is trying hard for patience and to see long term. Ivan, with love and attention, will settle down. Currently, Justin took Ivan to the park to spend the morning with him alone with the hopes that Ivan's "love cup" will get filled a little and he will quit being so pesky and needy.

There seems to be a direct correlation with how Penka is feeling (missing her foster family) and how much she lashes out at the other children. Sometimes she is trying to help us keep the kids in line and sometimes she is actively lashing out towards them. Although even with Penka I see small improvements. Yesterday while I was sitting she came up and laid her head on my back to cuddle.

Petra is doing well and is coming to me for help most of the time and a refuge from the verbal and physical attacks from Penka and Ivan. Petra is becoming accustomed to being redirected and living with secure boundaries. She is settling well.

Donka is just cute and doing super. She has been riding on my back on walks and dozing off like a small child. This is a very good thing although exhausting. My arms are getting very strong!

We only have 3 more days in Bulgaria and we are so ready to go home. We are counting the days.

Getting Gypped

Ever heard the term, getting gypped? Where does it come from? All gypsies are thieves and dirty, right? This prejudice is disgusting and very alive in Bulgaria. Our kids have darker skin than most of the Bulgarians in Sofia. Because of that they get stares, scowls, people move away from them on buses and park benches, and other children attack them. Seriously. Being here causes me to highly appreciate the tranquility of race and culture in America. Even through all the current turmoil surrounding race back home, America is a gift to the world and a beautiful place where the average American believes we are all created equal with the same rights. From the children's psychologist to the waiting room mother, to the kids on the street, too many of Sofia's population look and talk to my children as if they are dirty. There is no place for them to break out of the mold here.  Coming to America even just for the simple sake of being given a fair, unadulterated chance to be equal with their neighbor, is a massive reason to get my beautiful little gypsies out of Bulgaria.

The children taunt each other, "Sygani, sygani." I communicated to Penka the other day that in America sygani (gypsy) is not bad, but it is good; I like that she is a gypsy. I told her that in America there are all different kinds of people. Yesterday I picked up enough of the language to understand she was reiterating this to the other children.

Hen Pecks

So who is the top of the roost? That is the question in this house. Justin and I are tired. The hen pecks don't seem to quit. Yesterday we went for much of the day without too much bickering. But then at 5pm it exploded waiting for the taxi after a day at the pool. We are told that these next few weeks will be bad as they all figure out where their place is in the family group. But it is getting very very wearisome. I know all kids fight, but these guys do it about 20 times more than "normal" families, along with test all of Justin and my boundaries to figure out what is okay and not okay in our family system.  It is six days into our new family. I want to go home to stability and peace, more household space and establish a routine. Not being able to communicate and talk them down out of the bickering is probably the hardest part.

This morning Petra woke up shaking in fear from a nightmare. I held her and she did not want to be let go. This morning Donka came and laid her head on my lap and cuddled for many minutes. Bonding is happening, and it is good.

Sweet Prayers

Somebody has been plowing the soil of these children's hearts. Last night as I was tossing and turning and not sleeping, I had the idea of downloading a Bulgarian audio Bible. I found a free one on Amazon that came in 1-5 minute clips. Tonight before bed we listened to 3 minutes of Matthew and then prayed. The two older girls prayed aloud in Bulgarian with Justin and I (in English) and then Penka asked me to "sing a song to Jesus." (This was the way it translated.) After a few songs, she proceeded to show me her favorite singer on Youtube, Tanq I Dani (Tanya and Dan). It was actually very pleasant. Somebody has been praying for them and teaching them to pray. It brings tears to my eyes. I am reminded and can be reminded in the tough times that I am only a worker in God's field. He is the one growing. It is not a small task we have been given, but with God in charge, it is all worth it. He will accomplish the task he began.

Today was a tough day. Tonight was a sweet night.

It is good morning time. Our first morning together is the
first morning for the children in many years.

Jet Lag

An update on Day 1

The transfer went as expected. All the kids broke down in tears as they entered the van. But it lasted only about 20 minutes. After that they saw an airplane and got excited.

Petra is the one we are having the most trouble with so far, but that is expected. Petra is also the one who has asked for physical affection from me, which is a very good sign. Last night she had a screaming tantrum because we would not allow her and Ivan to sleep together. We allowed them to try but they just kept winding each other up more and more and after 1+ hours of giving them chances, I said no. She threw a 4-year-old style fit and I had to hold her in my arms for a while as she screamed. I am not sure this girl has had any firm boundaries for the last 3 years. She does not act like it. She is very difficult to redirect. She asked for sugar or candy at least a dozen time yesterday. Finally, she ate her dinner of spaghetti after not eating lunch and just a little bit of apple for a snack. She has a really good heart, is very sweet and caring but doesn't have any self-regulation. I am not convinced it is ADHD though. I think it might be her past environment. I have put all the kids on methyl-folate and we will try hard to avoid the sugars for a long while with all of them. Ivan and Petra both look thin currently and a little gaunt.

On the upside, a lack of "honeymoon" is actually a good sign. The least amount of the honeymoon stage means less insecurity they feel and the issues are more superficial than deep.

Penka is amazing. Kind and grown up and tries her best to help me with the young ones. She is a doll.

Ivan is doing a little better than expected. Ivan is scared and cries at times throughout the day. But it is healthy grieving. At other times he plays and laughs well.

Donka does whatever Petra does, but is generally cute and silly. She does not want me to touch her much yet. I have told myself to do what feels natural, trust my instincts with physical affection and let the kids lead on that one. The books all say give back to them 200% of how they reach out to you. If they give you a big hug, hug them twice as hard back, that sort of thing.

I found myself a little sleepless last night. I think I got 2 hours of good sleep and the rest was just tossing and turning. I finally got up at 4am. It was partially jet lag, partially cortisol from dealing with a 9-year-old temper tantrum.

My question is: How long until they learn to trust me and accept me as their mother? My heart is already there and loves all of them very much. But I know it will take time.

In the midst of the cortisol and strain, I still feel much joy.

Sofia Apartment

Driving with the taxi driver today from the airport through Sofia, I felt a connection with this place; which I should. We are now intimately connected with Bulgaria. These are my people now.


I like Sofia much more in summer. It is green and pleasant and feels much cleaner. Today it was pouring rain.

Our apartment in Sofia. It is nice, spacious, and smells a tad bit like stale smoke. It will suit us well for the week. Graffiti here is an art form and does not signify gangs as it usually does in the states. It is a safe city concerning violent crime. Petty theft is the main crime issue. We found a nice grocery store and a park a block away.

Momma Bear

The other night I had a dream that Penka and Donka were with a social worker and were looking for us. We were in Bulgaria in a hotel room but they did not know which room we were in. The three of them crashed into the room while the social worker was scolding and being harsh and abusive toward them. They did not know we were in the room. My momma bear motherly instincts rose up inside me and I got in between the woman and the two children and began rolling on the ground with the two girls. I took them firm and gentle from the harshness in the way a momma bear treats her young. As we rolled they melted into me and softened from the kindness and togetherness.

I know this was a dream. I know dreams are primarily insights into one's intuition. I only hope that I will be able to be that momma bear for these children in protection and in love, and kindness.

Jitters

I was asked by a friend today how my emotions are now that we are less than a week from flying to Bulgaria. Well, I am beginning to fret a bit I think. I am not really a fretter. Justin is, and he has been fretting for months! But today I packed their bags. Today I organized Miriam's schedule for 2.5 weeks, I put a hold on USPS mail for two weeks, I got rid of stuff, which seems to be my way of dealing with stress. My mind is having a hard time settling down. I could not even read a book this evening because I could not concentrate.  So yes, I am feeling the jitters.

We have been told the kids are "very anxious to get the travel agendas." This is good news. They are excited to become Americans! When we talked with the youngest over skype this weekend there were many kids she was with and she did not want to talk but to play. We thought perhaps it was a going away party. Her foster mother called her "My little American." So cute. Most Bulgarians love America.

It is funny how I already love them all individually. Even without physical contact, a place for each child has been well carved inside this momma's heart.

These photos are all from January and some from Facebook from their foster families pages. Here are the children.

Penka

Petra

Ivan

Donka