Reflections

Psalm 88:1, "I will sing of the Lord’s great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations. I will declare that your love stands firm forever that you have established your faithfulness in heaven itself."

We arrived home safely and non-eventful on Monday as expected. The documents are signed and now we wait 1-3 months for the adoption to be finalized.

Final preparations of the home need to be made within the next month. Adoption training modules and books are to be read. School curriculum needs to be chosen, and clothing purchased now that I know their current sizes.

A lot of emotions are being processed. Fear and excitement simultaneously and a maternal love when I think of them and look at their photos. It goes something like this, "Ahhh, she's so cute!" after I look at one of their pictures. That type of affection I was beginning to feel in a real way the last 2 days we were in Bulgaria. I remember a couple moments I really wanted to hold and cuddle the children. The times are coming and I am looking forward to all those precious little daily moments.

At the same time, there is an overwhelming worry. Oh man, this is a huge task! Can we handle it? The first 6 months are going to be oh so difficult without communication. I keep reminding myself, I am not alone. Not only do I have a strong support network locally I also have a helper, the Holy Spirit, guiding me and working internally with the children. The voice in my head repeats, "Crystal, you are made for this task, and have been equipped for it. It will be difficult but you can do it."

Day 4

I want to reiterate that the kids are very sweet and have bonded well with their foster homes which is a huge factor, the biggest in our decision process. There are still some rough edges but over time we are confident these will smooth. Thank you to all who are praying for us! It means so much and we really felt it today!

The culture here in Bulgaria is very different than America. Some of the negative issues are due to culture differences. The social services are going to work with the older two over the next month or so to resolve conflict they had not known existed. The girls live across the hall and have a lot of interaction. Their blow up on Tuesday was not normal and probably due to the pressures they felt. But I think it may have been embarrassing to the social services here. We at least got a glimpse of some of the harder issues. We also found a very sweet English teacher who will give them lessons twice a week. She was very encouraging.

My goal in my blog through the next year or two is to write openly about the joys and struggles of adoption to the extent of decency in public with my kids so people, outsiders, can have a realistic view of the good and the hard sides.

Today went very well without too many busy women in the room. The second child, the expressive one settled down, the weather warmed up and we could take a couple good walks and some much more real connection and bonding happened. Tomorrow we sign papers and begin the journey back home.

The Struggle

I wrote this as an email but have decided to post on the blog to document it for journaling purposes. It was written after the Wednesday visit in Bulgaria or early Thursday morning.

Thursday morning update:

Please continue praying. Things here feel weighty.

The social workers were concerned about some conflicts that happened Tuesday in between the children and they brought in their local "psychologist" (think 70-year-old communist) who was thoroughly unimpressive and who has a relationship with the children. It has been frustrating because the issues have nothing to do with us but the way the kids are interacting with each other and we just sit back and watch and not interact with the kids. These things should have and could have been dealt with in advance of us coming. It is still awkward in the meeting rooms although I do not feel overwhelmed/shy like Monday. #2 has been the struggle. She has more issues than what was documented. We can't tell if they are developmental, attachment or her just resisting being adopted. She is very expressive in every way, does not seem to focus for more than a couple minutes (she is 9) and the main instigator when the children get in conflicts. She generally is looking for attention.

The concrete objective of the trip is for us to see the children and spend the week with them, then to sign papers if we still want them on Friday. So far we have not seen anything we were not expecting except perhaps #2 has more issues than what was written. Bonding is our agency's objective, but it is not concrete. The local social workers have been very much in the way so it is hard to make thorough judgments or bond with the children. We have 1.5 days left with the kids. #1 the oldest is far better than expected but the #2 has more issues. These are really tough kids like street kids. They did almost live on the streets previously. So the first objective along with bonding would be to "gentle them." We are going to hire an English tutor for the two older girls for after school sessions so they can at least begin. The oldest is already trying on her own to learn.

What I have seen and my main concern is the lack of English communication. The kids fight enough that I can see our first 6 months are going to be very difficult without me being able to talk through conflict with them. All of them are responsive to redirection with the exception of #2, but this may not be typical of her we are not sure.

Today we spend the last full day. After lunch we have been told that there will be no social workers with us only our translator. Tomorrow the children go home around noon and we sign papers and get on the train at 4:30.

Meeting 1

I met my babies today. My goodness, I couldn't ask for sweeter kids. The day went well. The language barrier is really hard, especially when there are many other men and women in the room with us to take care of needs. The children do not necessarily run to us for assistance.


Praises:

Everyone is healthy.

The oldest is wonderful. I was most worried about her transition to our family at her age. But what her foster mother said was that after she received the photo book I made she was all ours. I won her heart with the book and emotionally she is already transferring attachments. She is the sweetest thing in the world and may just be the easiest to transition, at least initially.

The girls adore Miriam. Straight from the get go, all they wanted to do was hold "sista's" hand, play with her, and touch her hair.

The kids are excited to meet Bea, our puppy.

The children are lively, playful and have a definite bond with each other. Upon greeting they were hugging and touching each other and very sweet. After a few hours, two of them started rough playing almost bickering, just like normal siblings. The second is exceptionally affectionate and expressive. I saw no unorganized attachment in any of the children. They all seemed very healthy, had appropriate boundaries, and well adjusted.


Things to pray for:

I (Crystal) was feeling really shy and overwhelmed. Towards the end of the day, I was getting to the point of shutting down, where it feels almost painful for me to talk which happens very infrequently in my adult years. This was not because of the children, but because of the many social workers, eyes, and lack of English spoken and 2.5 weeks in a foreign land. Along with everything else, it was emotionally exhausting for me. It would be far better to be put in a big room with just us and we could figure things out together for a personality like me. But as it is we have a psychologist, translator, and other social workers all trying to help us. Pray that I can relax and find an inroad with the children.

It is really cold here. About 15 deg. with a wind chill. Outdoor play is out of the question for any length of time and these are 4 very active children, especially the youngest 3. Pray we can figure it out and find a good play space that works and/or it warms above freezing (0 C/32 F).

Prayer Update #2

We were told today the schools have been closed Monday because of a flu breakout. Please pray for good health for the three of us and also for the four children next week. Sickness would be a real bummer trip. I am not sure how things would be facilitated if the children or us got significantly sick. So far we have all managed to stay healthy. The weather here is about 15 degrees Fahrenheit with a significant chilly wind blowing.

Prayer Update

We met with the social workers last week on Tuesday. They briefed us a little on what to expect next week meeting the children. Today is Saturday so it is only 2 days away! Tomorrow we leave Plovdiv to go to the town they live in, Dimitrovgrad.


We have a pretty big task next week lined out for us. It is the week that is primarily dedicated to "transition." The next time we will see the kids after this trip they will be ours and we will pick them up and bring them to a different town in a hotel for 2 weeks then to America. They not only need to transition to us, but also to one another. They live with 4 different foster families currently. The older 2 may not really know the younger 2 much at all anymore. So part of the big task is reaffirming a bond with all 5 siblings (Miriam included) and us. What that means practically is providing a happy and positive atmosphere with lots of fun activities, food, and hopefully getting to the point of the children wanting to come to us for physical affection and looking forward to our presence. That is a big task for one week! But again, it is just the beginning. After next week they told us that we will want to send cards and trinkets every few days to keep up the emotional bond and perhaps skype if their foster families have internet access.


Today and tomorrow we will take it easy and enjoy the last bit of sightseeing.

Tired Tourists

I believe I am all touristed out. We are in Old Town Plovdiv. It is beautiful in Old Town, artsy, full of cobblestone streets 6 inches deep in snow, and all Miriam and I want to do is sit in our very fine apartment, watch movies, and eat Nutella with rice crackers. We did get out today somewhat reluctantly and went up the hill to see a small history museum, an old Roman theater, and take some photos. The magic of cobblestone streets has almost worn off I am afraid. Although, it could also be the snow.

The gate of Philippopolis, Philip of Macedon, Alexander the Great's father. Alexander could have learned to ride his horse on these streets.

Old Roman Theatre

Kitty meow. She was very pretty and almost blended with the wall. 

There were many cats on the streets. I think they may be protected.

Sofia Apartments

I would be dishonest if I did not write a blurb about Sofia's apartments. Plain and simple, they are ugly, rundown, eyes sores. There are not just a few but most, miles and miles of them. I have written about the beautiful history of the churches here, but Bulgaria is still a second world country and it is very visible. Today we drove up to Saint Ivan Rilski Monastery. We took a hostel bus out of town. (Yes, we met in a pot smoking hippy joint...a hostel. That was an education for Miriam in itself, but it was cheap and decent transportation!) It took a full 20-40 minutes just to drive to the outskirts of town. The entire town all the way to the end was full of 10-15 story high rise apartments. The apartments were concrete and stucco. Many windows are blown out or covered with cloth and laundry strung out to dry. The stucco is peeling in most all of them and unoriginal graffiti is the norm covering the lower floor outdoor walls. The amazing thing is that even with all this poverty there is not a lot of real violent crime. It is mostly theft and scams.

Before we came here we thought it was only the Roma's (gypsies) that lived in this sort of housing. But, it is almost all of Sofia! The difference is that the Roma areas are filthy, not just run-down. We have been informed that about 80% of the population lives in "the blocks" as they call the high rise apartments. Average pay here in Sofia is about 1300 lev which translates to about $750. It is amazing that people can live off that amount. Food and clothes are inexpensive, at least half of what they would be in America or perhaps less.

There is a very modern 4 story mall full of new construction, windows, granite floors and escalators, next door to our hotel. When one walks in the doors they can pretend they live in a modern city. It is surreal.

We are in Plovdiv now. It is much nicer, only about 70% of the buildings look like this instead of 90%.

These photos were taken from the window of our 14th floor hotel room. The hotel was very new and modern. These apartments were just across the street. These pictures are mild compared with most.

There are miles and miles of concrete high-rise apartments.

Ivan Rilski Monastery. The dogs were very sweet.

Bell Tower at the Monastery, from around years 1400-1600's

Fresco. Can you pick out which Bible story is depicted? We had fun trying to figure them out.

A walk in the woods. This photo is dedicated to Mike Schaar who we took the photo for. We passed cabins like this for rent in the Balkans! Next time....

Creek

Nice Selfie!

Diversity

Justin put on his very first kippa today. Yes, to all of you Messianics who will be astounded at this, he has never before worn one. He has always felt it is not his place to wear one knowing he is not ethnically Jewish. But he has also never stepped into a regular Jewish synagogue either. Today in Sofia, in the second largest synagogue in all of Europe he put one on out of respect for Jewish customs, just the same as he removes his hat in all the Orthodox and Catholic churches.

I almost cried walking into the sanctuary. I don't know why. But a deep emotion hit me. Was it the history, the beauty, or something else in that place? There used to be 50,000 Jews in Bulgaria before WWII. Hitler asked for deportation. But King Boris, a national hero, was able to save all 50,000 according to our tour guide. The good king "procrastinated" and kept giving excuses for not deporting them. 8 days after the king and Hitler met one another the king died of a sudden heart attack according to records. Most Bulgarians believe he was poisoned by Hitler's army. After the war came communism which tried to wipe out all religion. During that time most of the Jews immigrated to Israel and there are now only 5,000 left.

Within a two block radius in the heart of Sofia are 4 major centers of worship all in a square. 1 Jewish synogague, 1 Islamic mosque, 1 Orthodox church, and 1 Catholic church, all very large churches and a couple other smaller rotundas and other church buildings. It is a picture of diversity in real practice. The amazing thing is that there is not a lot of religious trouble in Bulgaria.

Entrance of Saint George Rotunda

Practicing his new reading skills.

Backside of the Sofia Synagogue

Front side of Sofia Synagogue, inside the gate.

Sanctuary of the synagogue.

Ark covering with banners of the 12 tribes. The entire synagogue was detailed with symbols.

Sofia Ladies' Market. I bought myself some wonderful Bulgarian made wool slippers.

Sofia City Center

We have decided that Gru from Despicable Me is from Bulgaria. His accent, nose, and coloring are exactly Bulgarians in Sofia. The people here are dark haired, light skinned and about half have bright green eyes. The other half have dark brown eyes. They seem to have a rough exterior but are very kind and light hearted when one tries to engage in conversation.

"You, Meester nice. I gif 20 lev. You becuss Meester Nice," she said with almost unintelligible English. She was the cutest little squinty eyed lady wearing a happy coy smile. Her sun-wrinkled skin and a hunched shoulders suggested many days working a field. She was wearing a full patchwork fur coat. It was probably hand made and had a large rip down the side under her arm. I was happy to purchase a curved 9 inch long hand made wood and porcelain tobacco pipe and a wooden children's toy from her.

Saint George's Rotunda from the 4th century. It is still somewhat functional.

The church of Saint Sofia. This is the church the city is named after. The church is named after Saint Sofia, a martyr. This church is from the 6th century and is still fully functional and busy. It was one of three Hagia Sofia churches commissioned by Emperor Justinian. The other two are in Thessalonica and Constantinople.

Saint Aleksander Nevski Cathedral built in the early 1900's. 

Archaeology from ancient Serdica from Sofia's city center. There was a public tunnel under the streets that took us to the ruins.

More archaeology from the city center.

East Gate of Serdica. These ruins were just discovered in the last decade when the city was building a new subway system.

This restaurant was located on a narrow cobblestone street. The place we were looking for late the night before and could not find, recommended as the number one authentic Bulgarian cuisine from Lonely Plant Travel Guide. It was well worth a second attempt, before sunset.

Inside the restaurant. The pavilion was covered and surrounded but semi-outdoors. There were large wood stoves just behind us. Each table had blankets to wrap up in for extra warmth. The food was amazing, and so was the ancient interior of the building.

Sophia Nights

I have decided that I will not leave our hotel here in Sophia after 5:00 pm again this week. We have not necessarily gotten lost, but the language barrier is a very real thing. When the street signs are unintelligible and it is 1 am in the morning, graffiti a regular thing, rough cab drivers, no matter how safe the locals say it is, if it is not a sure bet back to the hotel, nope. No more. Given it was Newyear's eve and people were out all over the city, it was still -5 celsius, foggy, we awoke at 3:00 am the previous morning to catch our flight from Paris, and I was freezing cold to the point of shivering.

After spending a pleasant couple hours eating pizza with the best cheese toppings I have ever tasted we then walked around to see the New Years celebrations. We tried going home at a reasonable 10:30 pm. First, we hailed a taxi. They did not speak English and we could not communicate which hotel we were staying at. So we tried to take the familiar tram back to the airport where earlier in the day there had been a line-up of taxis who knew the hotel. The hotel was a mile away from the airport. Although we could not walk because it was rural, barren, and there were no walking roads. When we arrived at the airport after 20 minutes of freezing breeze on the tram, there was nothing. The doors were open and lights on but it was almost dead except for the stray dogs trying to come in the rotating door. The german shepherd made it in while his companion barked from the outside. By now it was after midnight. We found a pay phone, but could not call because of language. Thankfully we found an English speaking man who told us to go back to the city center and find a taxi. So we did. Back into town trying not to nod off on the tram, still freezing cold. There was an old lady sitting directly in front of me watching us. I wonder what she was thinking. Miriam was sound asleep with her head on my lap. This not what I would call fun. We made it, found a taxi we could communicate enough with and made it home. We arrived back at the hotel at 1:30 am to our warm cozy beds.

January 1 was supposed to be a straight bus ride to our authentic Bulgarian restaurant at 7:00 pm, but we found ourselves wandering in the dark, surrounded by trashy graffiti covered buildings with barred windows and doors. It was not a pleasant stroll through the city center. Nope. 5:00 pm, that's it, from now on. 5:00 pm. Our hotel serves dinner. We ended up eating in a Bulgarian McDonalds an hour after walking around. We found a taxi immediately after eating and he knew where the hotel was. Phew. Thank you, Lord!

We are learning our English speaking limits in a Balkan region. Most well-educated people, desk workers, and waiters are actually very fluent here, more so than France, but many people on the street and taxi drivers do not speak much at all. And of course, the letters are all Cyrillic. Street signs and navigation tools are out of reach. Justin is finding his normal magical map reading does not work here. Never in our lives have guided tours been attractive when traveling for an explorer like Justin. But...... And he is actually having to ask people for "¡help!" in a very real way!

We are safe back in our hotel watching tv and drinking wine.

New Year's eve, pleasant stroll area.

Concert celebration. Our passports were checked at the gate by guards. An English singing Roma was performing on stage. It was surprisingly sparse at the city center's main celebrations considering 1.3 million people live here. It felt like a small celebration.

Bulgaria does not mess around. No cargo vans were going to get through 3 rows of these blockades! One row had dump trucks, one row military, and one row of buses all lined up like these 4 trucks.