Sweet Prayers

Somebody has been plowing the soil of these children's hearts. Last night as I was tossing and turning and not sleeping, I had the idea of downloading a Bulgarian audio Bible. I found a free one on Amazon that came in 1-5 minute clips. Tonight before bed we listened to 3 minutes of Matthew and then prayed. The two older girls prayed aloud in Bulgarian with Justin and I (in English) and then Penka asked me to "sing a song to Jesus." (This was the way it translated.) After a few songs, she proceeded to show me her favorite singer on Youtube, Tanq I Dani (Tanya and Dan). It was actually very pleasant. Somebody has been praying for them and teaching them to pray. It brings tears to my eyes. I am reminded and can be reminded in the tough times that I am only a worker in God's field. He is the one growing. It is not a small task we have been given, but with God in charge, it is all worth it. He will accomplish the task he began.

Today was a tough day. Tonight was a sweet night.

It is good morning time. Our first morning together is the
first morning for the children in many years.

Jet Lag

An update on Day 1

The transfer went as expected. All the kids broke down in tears as they entered the van. But it lasted only about 20 minutes. After that they saw an airplane and got excited.

Petra is the one we are having the most trouble with so far, but that is expected. Petra is also the one who has asked for physical affection from me, which is a very good sign. Last night she had a screaming tantrum because we would not allow her and Ivan to sleep together. We allowed them to try but they just kept winding each other up more and more and after 1+ hours of giving them chances, I said no. She threw a 4-year-old style fit and I had to hold her in my arms for a while as she screamed. I am not sure this girl has had any firm boundaries for the last 3 years. She does not act like it. She is very difficult to redirect. She asked for sugar or candy at least a dozen time yesterday. Finally, she ate her dinner of spaghetti after not eating lunch and just a little bit of apple for a snack. She has a really good heart, is very sweet and caring but doesn't have any self-regulation. I am not convinced it is ADHD though. I think it might be her past environment. I have put all the kids on methyl-folate and we will try hard to avoid the sugars for a long while with all of them. Ivan and Petra both look thin currently and a little gaunt.

On the upside, a lack of "honeymoon" is actually a good sign. The least amount of the honeymoon stage means less insecurity they feel and the issues are more superficial than deep.

Penka is amazing. Kind and grown up and tries her best to help me with the young ones. She is a doll.

Ivan is doing a little better than expected. Ivan is scared and cries at times throughout the day. But it is healthy grieving. At other times he plays and laughs well.

Donka does whatever Petra does, but is generally cute and silly. She does not want me to touch her much yet. I have told myself to do what feels natural, trust my instincts with physical affection and let the kids lead on that one. The books all say give back to them 200% of how they reach out to you. If they give you a big hug, hug them twice as hard back, that sort of thing.

I found myself a little sleepless last night. I think I got 2 hours of good sleep and the rest was just tossing and turning. I finally got up at 4am. It was partially jet lag, partially cortisol from dealing with a 9-year-old temper tantrum.

My question is: How long until they learn to trust me and accept me as their mother? My heart is already there and loves all of them very much. But I know it will take time.

In the midst of the cortisol and strain, I still feel much joy.

Sofia Apartment

Driving with the taxi driver today from the airport through Sofia, I felt a connection with this place; which I should. We are now intimately connected with Bulgaria. These are my people now.


I like Sofia much more in summer. It is green and pleasant and feels much cleaner. Today it was pouring rain.

Our apartment in Sofia. It is nice, spacious, and smells a tad bit like stale smoke. It will suit us well for the week. Graffiti here is an art form and does not signify gangs as it usually does in the states. It is a safe city concerning violent crime. Petty theft is the main crime issue. We found a nice grocery store and a park a block away.

Momma Bear

The other night I had a dream that Penka and Donka were with a social worker and were looking for us. We were in Bulgaria in a hotel room but they did not know which room we were in. The three of them crashed into the room while the social worker was scolding and being harsh and abusive toward them. They did not know we were in the room. My momma bear motherly instincts rose up inside me and I got in between the woman and the two children and began rolling on the ground with the two girls. I took them firm and gentle from the harshness in the way a momma bear treats her young. As we rolled they melted into me and softened from the kindness and togetherness.

I know this was a dream. I know dreams are primarily insights into one's intuition. I only hope that I will be able to be that momma bear for these children in protection and in love, and kindness.

Jitters

I was asked by a friend today how my emotions are now that we are less than a week from flying to Bulgaria. Well, I am beginning to fret a bit I think. I am not really a fretter. Justin is, and he has been fretting for months! But today I packed their bags. Today I organized Miriam's schedule for 2.5 weeks, I put a hold on USPS mail for two weeks, I got rid of stuff, which seems to be my way of dealing with stress. My mind is having a hard time settling down. I could not even read a book this evening because I could not concentrate.  So yes, I am feeling the jitters.

We have been told the kids are "very anxious to get the travel agendas." This is good news. They are excited to become Americans! When we talked with the youngest over skype this weekend there were many kids she was with and she did not want to talk but to play. We thought perhaps it was a going away party. Her foster mother called her "My little American." So cute. Most Bulgarians love America.

It is funny how I already love them all individually. Even without physical contact, a place for each child has been well carved inside this momma's heart.

These photos are all from January and some from Facebook from their foster families pages. Here are the children.

Penka

Petra

Ivan

Donka

Grieving the Holy Spirit

Here are a few thoughts on a verse for you.

Ephesians 4:25-32

Therefore, putting away lying, “Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor,” for we are members of one another. “Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil. Let him who stole steal no longer, but rather let him labor, working with his hands what is good, that he may have something to give him who has need. Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.

I have always read this verse in a semi-self centered way. That is, when I am unkind (bitter, wrathful, angry, etc.) it grieves God. I had a contrary thought recently to record. The thought occurred to me that the Holy Spirit is fully empathetic. That is he feels what we feel. This thought, that the Holy Spirit is fully empathetic, hit a deep bone inside me. He knows. He really knows and experiences the pain that I go through when I am hurting. It grieves him, it hurts him when I am in pain. It grieves him when you are in pain. It grieves him when I cause someone else pain. This is a very subtle but profound shift in viewing this passage; to take the lens off the sin itself and onto the effect of the sin on the other person and on God himself. Another verse that I can liken it to is, "Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me" (Matthew 25). This is taking the spotlight off of the good deed, and instead, putting the spotlight on the empathetic nature of God. When we do good to another person, God experiences it just as if we were doing a kind thing to him.


They say that empathy is the number one skill that human beings need to learn for relational success. Empathy is the ability to feel what another person is feeling, differing from compassion which is acting to help another person who is hurting. Compassion does not require empathy but they often go together. All humans have the capacity for empathy and it is a learned skill. It is not just a concept. The same parts of the brain as in the hurting person are activated in the empathetic brain when the other person is hurting. The same brain regions light up just as if that person was actually hurt. The empathetic person actually joins in the other person's pain. Empathy is primarily taught as a young child, infant to age 4 and perhaps a little older. It is the number one fruit of attachment parenting. When a child's emotional and physical needs are met and his caregivers respond to the child with empathy and compassion, day after day, it builds the empathic centers of the brain. With intention and patient loving care, older children and adults can learn empathy also.

A Twittle Nest

It's March. Can you believe it? It is the middle of March and still waiting. In January, I was so sure we would be in Bulgaria now receiving our children. These last two months have perhaps been the most surreal time in my life history. I have four children who I can almost legally call my own sitting across the globe waiting for their new mom. Waiting? That is the hard part. What are they thinking, feeling, wishing for, feeling sad about? What are they excited for? Scared?

We have been skyping once a week with the children. Saturday morning, 8 am sharp. It has been quite consistent actually. It is 6 pm there in Bulgaria. At first, it was really awkward. They waved, we waved. Remember they speak zero English, we do not speak Bulgarski. So we smiled, and we waved. We smiled some more, then oh, I know, I can show them the house! Well, that was one week what about the next. It has gotten a little less awkward. The two olders are beginning to learn English so they have their book in front of them and try to ask us questions. This week they asked us how old we are. It sounded like this, "How aaarreewo yuo?" It took them about 5 attempts for us to figure out the "old" word. Language. It is not going to be an easy task! It is comforting to know that almost 80% of communication is body language. And perhaps for someone like me even more than average. I am a very poor verbal communicator and I rely heavily on body language and facial expression. In this situation, it might actually be a blessing.

Our I800 hopefully will be processed soon. After two months of waiting for it, we finally got the specific corrections and found out that we were given outdated forms! Oy ve. I am not sure how long this will set us back. At least a month, which is why we do not have our flights booked yet. The I800 is still waiting for approval to be sent to the next step. Just this morning our new papers arrived at their offices. Hopefully they will prioritize them and speed the process for us so we don't have to wait another month or more for this step. After this step, the papers go to one other location within the U.S. to get the children's visas. Then after that approval, the papers are sent to Bulgaria to finalize the adoption. Then we can go get the kids.

The house is ready. Beds are set up. Basics of clothing purchased. Training modules are almost completed. I am simply twittling. Perhaps nesting is the more correct term.