Ephesians 4:25-32
Therefore, putting away lying, “Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor,” for we are members of one another. “Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil. Let him who stole steal no longer, but rather let him labor, working with his hands what is good, that he may have something to give him who has need. Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.
I have always read this verse in a semi-self centered way. That is, when I am unkind (bitter, wrathful, angry, etc.) it grieves God. I had a contrary thought recently to record. The thought occurred to me that the Holy Spirit is fully empathetic. That is he feels what we feel. This thought, that the Holy Spirit is fully empathetic, hit a deep bone inside me. He knows. He really knows and experiences the pain that I go through when I am hurting. It grieves him, it hurts him when I am in pain. It grieves him when you are in pain. It grieves him when I cause someone else pain. This is a very subtle but profound shift in viewing this passage; to take the lens off the sin itself and onto the effect of the sin on the other person and on God himself. Another verse that I can liken it to is, "Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me" (Matthew 25). This is taking the spotlight off of the good deed, and instead, putting the spotlight on the empathetic nature of God. When we do good to another person, God experiences it just as if we were doing a kind thing to him.
They say that empathy is the number one skill that human beings need to learn for relational success. Empathy is the ability to feel what another person is feeling, differing from compassion which is acting to help another person who is hurting. Compassion does not require empathy but they often go together. All humans have the capacity for empathy and it is a learned skill. It is not just a concept. The same parts of the brain as in the hurting person are activated in the empathetic brain when the other person is hurting. The same brain regions light up just as if that person was actually hurt. The empathetic person actually joins in the other person's pain. Empathy is primarily taught as a young child, infant to age 4 and perhaps a little older. It is the number one fruit of attachment parenting. When a child's emotional and physical needs are met and his caregivers respond to the child with empathy and compassion, day after day, it builds the empathic centers of the brain. With intention and patient loving care, older children and adults can learn empathy also.
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