On Hold

I am putting this blog on hold. As beautiful as the concept of journaling through this time is, the reality is that my brain is in survival mode, not creative mode. Please bear with me. I may check back in, in a few months or more. Please follow me on Instagram if you would like photo updates.

https://www.instagram.com/c.l.billing/

Foundations of Love

As a parent, have you ever stopped to think about how much of the positive interactions you have with your child are due to the history of loving feelings you have with your child that stabilize your actions and hold you through the hard behaviors? A person could call this positive history, the backbone of the feeling of patience that helps the parent love the child through the childishness.  This history begins when the baby is in the womb and only gets stronger with all of the cuddles and coos through babyhood, the cuteness through the toddler years and so on. It is the foundation of attachment. What if this history of attachment and love are not there on the parent's side? The child just plopps into your life with all of their childishness and none of their babyhood? Step parents understand this. Foster parents understand this. And so do adoptive parents. And I am feeling it now.

These kids are just kids. The more English they learn the more I see the differentiation of the "normal" age appropriate developmental issues and the non-age appropriate developmental issues. Daily I dig in, take a deep breath, and ask God for his backbone of patience as the stabilizing bond develops. The bond is developing, although much slower than I want.

A Reminder for Today

Firm and kind (gentle). Not firm and rough. Petra especially is sensitive to mistreatment and Penka needs good examples toward gentle discipline. This is easier said than done, but when redirecting, roughness is never the answer. "Man's anger does not produce the righteousness of God." "Share in the suffering as a good soldier of Christ Jesus....An athlete is not crowned unless he competes according to the rules." "On her tongue is the law of kindness...she extends her hands to the needy," I tell these verses to myself regularly..... These kids are wearing on me. When they are not listening, Crystal, take their hand gently and firmly and guide them in the correct way.

Children are a Blessing

My Mother-in-Law posted this on Facebook. I can't agree more. It strikes a deep chord with me because I did not understand this concept until Miriam was around age 5. I was finding myself too focused on her bad habits when she actually was a super sweet, cute, kind, generous, and spunky little girl. As soon as I started talking to myself of her goodness, low and behold she became more that person and started losing her bad habits quickly. Like your children mothers. Focus on who God made them! Know they are children and they will grow out of their childish behavior. The more you think on them the good, the more and faster they become that good little person. 

Having the 4 older adopted kids I am finding this is a very real issue for me currently also. Something I know from past experience is that every child has something unique and lovable in their persons even if it is clouded by negative behavior (which the negative is hard to love/like). But it is so important to remind yourself of who the special child is in your own mind and out loud regularly because this gets translated to the child through Mom and Dad's actions and words. These 4 adoptees are no exception. 

Here is a list I wrote for my refrigerator just a couple days ago of things I can do to remind me easily of ways to bond and share "happy times" together. It is pretty basic, but might be helpful to some other moms none-the-less. 

Read Books
Board games
Legos
Lotion Massages
Hair Combing
Trampoline Jumping
Walks to the Park
Crafts
Bake Cookies Together
Bike Rides Together
Roller Skating Together
Swimming/Floating
Tickle Fights

Three More Days

Today is Thursday of our overwhelmingly long "vacation." No, not vacation, mission. "Mission" is a much better word for this trip. It has been anything but a vacation.  We fly to the States on Sunday, very early. Today is day 11 with the children. Justin likens the chaos to a mathematical formula with an exponential factor, 4 factorial. That is 1x2x3x4= 24. When you take one child out of the picture the emotional chaos = 6, only two children you have a hardship of 2 so on. In my mind, I can see placid calm at 2 months. "2 months Crystal, 2 months...." I can hang on through the initial blustery storms.

Saturday and Sunday we had a very good couple of days. Bonding was going well and there were many happy moments coupled with moments of sadness and grief, along with henpecks among the children. Things were on the upside though. Every day we were getting less fighting among the children. Monday morning we allowed the children to contact their foster families. Everything took a steep downhill from there for 24 hours. Monday night all the children had packed their bags and were ready to take the first bus back to their villages. In the morning things were still not good. The kids were acting out significantly and were out of control. Ivan ran across the busy street out of rebellion of the hold hands rules. The streets here are very busy and a little chaotic so that sort of rebellion is very scary. Justin's emotional stamina was tapped. But he reached out for help from the social workers. They came and spent the afternoon with us, talked through the grieving with the children and things settled back down.

Yesterday we had a good day, although Ivan was definitely calling for negative attention through being a very pesky little brother and not listening to us. He says, "No Engliske" when we try to talk to him. He knows more English than any of the children. Justin has a hard time with this and is in need of a break emotionally from the kids, but is trying hard for patience and to see long term. Ivan, with love and attention, will settle down. Currently, Justin took Ivan to the park to spend the morning with him alone with the hopes that Ivan's "love cup" will get filled a little and he will quit being so pesky and needy.

There seems to be a direct correlation with how Penka is feeling (missing her foster family) and how much she lashes out at the other children. Sometimes she is trying to help us keep the kids in line and sometimes she is actively lashing out towards them. Although even with Penka I see small improvements. Yesterday while I was sitting she came up and laid her head on my back to cuddle.

Petra is doing well and is coming to me for help most of the time and a refuge from the verbal and physical attacks from Penka and Ivan. Petra is becoming accustomed to being redirected and living with secure boundaries. She is settling well.

Donka is just cute and doing super. She has been riding on my back on walks and dozing off like a small child. This is a very good thing although exhausting. My arms are getting very strong!

We only have 3 more days in Bulgaria and we are so ready to go home. We are counting the days.

Getting Gypped

Ever heard the term, getting gypped? Where does it come from? All gypsies are thieves and dirty, right? This prejudice is disgusting and very alive in Bulgaria. Our kids have darker skin than most of the Bulgarians in Sofia. Because of that they get stares, scowls, people move away from them on buses and park benches, and other children attack them. Seriously. Being here causes me to highly appreciate the tranquility of race and culture in America. Even through all the current turmoil surrounding race back home, America is a gift to the world and a beautiful place where the average American believes we are all created equal with the same rights. From the children's psychologist to the waiting room mother, to the kids on the street, too many of Sofia's population look and talk to my children as if they are dirty. There is no place for them to break out of the mold here.  Coming to America even just for the simple sake of being given a fair, unadulterated chance to be equal with their neighbor, is a massive reason to get my beautiful little gypsies out of Bulgaria.

The children taunt each other, "Sygani, sygani." I communicated to Penka the other day that in America sygani (gypsy) is not bad, but it is good; I like that she is a gypsy. I told her that in America there are all different kinds of people. Yesterday I picked up enough of the language to understand she was reiterating this to the other children.

Hen Pecks

So who is the top of the roost? That is the question in this house. Justin and I are tired. The hen pecks don't seem to quit. Yesterday we went for much of the day without too much bickering. But then at 5pm it exploded waiting for the taxi after a day at the pool. We are told that these next few weeks will be bad as they all figure out where their place is in the family group. But it is getting very very wearisome. I know all kids fight, but these guys do it about 20 times more than "normal" families, along with test all of Justin and my boundaries to figure out what is okay and not okay in our family system.  It is six days into our new family. I want to go home to stability and peace, more household space and establish a routine. Not being able to communicate and talk them down out of the bickering is probably the hardest part.

This morning Petra woke up shaking in fear from a nightmare. I held her and she did not want to be let go. This morning Donka came and laid her head on my lap and cuddled for many minutes. Bonding is happening, and it is good.